Learning to Love Again...

It was the last day of college, and the whole of my batch was bracing itself to say goodbye to each other. Having spent four years of our life together, at the prestigious Indian Institute of Technology, Kanpur, it was quite difficult for us to leave everything behind. We had been sharing our joys and sorrows over these years and were practically, just like kin. In the era of facebook and twitter, it was not difficult to keep in contact, but of course these carefree student days were not going to come back again. We would all be heading to a new life, pursuing our aspirations, making new contacts and new friends.

It was all the more hard for me to bid adieu to the two great friends I made here. They taught me the true meaning of friendship, standing by me through all thick and thin. Was it not for them, I would never have come out of the emotional breakdown caused by my parents sudden demise. The two of them made me realize that life does not stop when our near and dear ones go away. They urged me to go for what my parents wanted of me, rather than grieving over something in which I had no say. They taught me to remember my parents with a smile instead of a lingering sadness of not being near them when they breathed their last. Their selfless care for me brought the three of us closer and we became almost inseparables. We quite reminded the others of the three musketeers, none found without the other two. And hence, on the farewell day, me, Veer and Arnav, swore to be best friends for life; swore that we would take important decision only after consulting with each other; swore that we would be a family to each other.

Among the two of them I was undoubtedly closer to Veer, for he could easily read each of my facial expression. His piercing gaze always made me feel under scrutiny, never allowing me to lie to him, for he would always catch the bluff, something he still is able to do. And as for Arnav, he slowly became a romantic interest, someone with whom I would have liked to spend my life. I moved out of the institution with the unfulfilled desire of staying with him, and went on to pursue a course in law. I had been told by many that I had a sharp legal brain and law would indeed be a better career option to me. People did question me over why I chose to do engineering then and I gave them one or the other silly reason, but deep down the fact was I went to IIT only to make my parents proud, otherwise engineering was never my calling. Veer and Arnav went to the Harvard to get a management degree. The three of us were in touch for the first few months, but gradually began losing contact. They were still together and I was alone, missing them like anything. I sometimes thought that it would have been better if I had also gone to the management program (after all, my application sure was accepted). At the very least, we would have been at the same place. But then, this was what I had chosen for myself, and I had to achieve my goal, keeping personal feelings aside. After completing LLB, I began practicing in the Supreme Court. I became so busy in establishing myself that I no longer had any information on Veer and Arnav’s whereabouts. Although, I did make new friends, none of them could replace the duo, after all they were my best friends for life.

It was one Sunday when I was sitting in my cabin, waiting for a client recommended by a friend, when I saw Arnav approaching me. I was too shocked to react, seeing him after five long years. Taking in his appearance, I found that it had considerably changed. He looked really well groomed with casuals replaced by business suit and Reebok shoes making way for leather boots. His sudden entry did remind me of movies where the hero and heroine part ways and their paths cross again during surprising turn of events. After regaining my composure, I got to know that it was Arnav’s company which was my client. The case was regarding some feud over copyright issues. After discussing the case, we decided to share our experience in these five years, over a cup of coffee. Arnav told me that after doing MBA, he and Veer had returned to India and had established an animation centre. With the boost in the animation industry and only few good companies available in the country, they were going great guns. They had quite established themselves in these few years, all thanks to Veer’s technical expertise and Arnav’s excellent marketing skills. They now had three of these centers in India and five hundred employees working under them. On hearing all this I was so excited that I literally jumped and squealed and the biggest cause of this happiness was reuniting with Arnav. We exchanged mobile numbers and I asked him to keep our meeting a secret from Veer. I wanted to surprise him; and thus I told Arnav to bring him over to my apartment for dinner, without revealing their destination. The evening was fun and the three of us had a joyous get together, of course along with a pouting Veer, expressing displeasure on being kept in the dark. We discussed over almost each and every topic we could find. I thoroughly complained to them about their moving away from me, leaving behind no contact as such. Had it not been for our wonderful common friend, Ms. XYZ, I dunno when we would have met again. They did have a hard time pacifying me, and I relished every bit of it. It was not every day that you are pampered by your friends! Before going back, they offered me to be the legal advisor to their company, and I gladly accepted. How could I leave behind a chance of being close to my dearest friends, who were now, the only family I had.

We met almost every week, sometimes for work, other times just for the sake of meeting. Luck actually favored us, both professionally and personally. My clientage increased and Veer and Arnav bagged a huge contract with a leading film company for making an animation movie under their banner. Our friendship was growing deeper by the day. They were really golden times, three young people with big dreams, soaring high in the sky. But as it is, light is always replaced by darkness and vice versa. I and Veer developed a great understanding during this period. And for Arnav, I fell seriously and sincerely in love with him. Love- it is indeed a great feeling, makes each and every thing look beautiful (at least for the first few days). My love was pure and simple, with no expectations what so ever. I did not expect Arnav to love me in return, or more importantly, now I did not want him to fall for me at all. It is strange, albeit true. Although I loved him, I stopped myself from dreaming about spending a lifetime with him. To be precise, this was the case when I was awake and in complete control over thoughts. During sleep, I did dream of him by my side, in our own abode, a sweet little cottage besides mountains; where no one would disturb the serenity of his presence. To tell the truth, a very clichéd dream.  He would always be my first love, but that was where it had to end. Basically, the sudden change in my stand was due to the fact that Arnav liked someone else. With reality dawning over me, the first few days were really very hard. I was cursing my fate, wondering how life could be so harsh over me, feeling jealous and all. But gradually, things fell in place and I accepted this bittersweet truth. Though I felt bad for myself, I was glad for Arnav from the bottom of my heart, for I very well knew that he would be happy with Muskaan. Besides, it was for the first time that he was actually serious about a girl; otherwise, he was, and perhaps still is, the biggest flirt I have ever come across. So, I found it the best to keep my feeling locked within myself, and allow the thing to continue in the way they were moving, lest it creates problems and affects our friendship. The love which I had always wanted to see in his eyes was present there, but hard luck, it was not for me. But then, you don’t get everything you want and moreover love is all about letting go; isn’t it?

The 14^th of February, Valentine’s Day, and I received an unexpected shock, in the form of Veer’s proposal. I had never been in such dilemma. How could I say “Yes” when I loved Arnav, it would be       deceitful. On the other hand, I could not even out-rightly refuse my closest friend. I found it in the best interest of everyone that I tell him everything clearly, instead of beating about the bush, and let him decide what he wanted. I poured my heart out to him, told each and every feeling I was holding back. With all barriers of self-restraint broken, I was crying bitterly, for the first time since I got to know Arnav could never be mine. And Veer still stood by me, consoling me, despite being heartbroken himself. It was only after a long time that I could gather myself up and stop sobbing. When I was about to move out, I stopped dead in my tracks as Veer called me. His words still echo in my mind “Sneha, I know that it is probably not the best time to discuss about the issue. But it would possibly be difficult for me to say this again. I want to let you know that I have always loved you, and would continue doing so, all my life. Take all the time in the world, but always remember, there is someone who is waiting for you and your answer. And yes, even if you refuse, nothing is going to change between us. We were friends and will always remain so.” Maybe Veer did not realize that his confession had changed everything. Things would never be the same again.

For the next few days, I was seriously in the blues. Although everything seemingly went about as normal, I could not bring myself to face Veer. I just did not know how to react before him, and hence I simply ignored him. My love for Arnav had put me in a very awkward position, and Veer’s question was eating me up. Sometimes I felt grateful to him for understanding my position and despite my loving another man, still wanting me to be in his life. Other times, I just wanted to strangle him for loving me, for being so understanding and thus, complicating things further. To make the situation even worse, if only that was still feasible, I had to go to Mumbai with Veer, for finalizing a new deal and completing legal formalities. Arnav was out of town. He had taken Muskaan to meet his parents and get their approval for their relationship. So basically, I did not have much choice, other than accompanying Veer. We had to stay there for a week and the prospect somehow tensed me a bit too much. Veer must have sensed my discomfort, and so he tried to lighten the atmosphere with his PJs, which not to mention, are horrible. The tension lessened slightly, and soon enough, we could be seen chatting away and fighting over trivial issues, like nothing of the sort had ever happened. Although our previous conversation was bothering me somewhere, but I was making the best of my efforts to regain my composure and he for his part, was trying to make matters easy for me by keeping the talk lighthearted. Thankfully, the trip went off well, with no special incidents as such. The day we were scheduled to return, Veer handed me a package asking to open it only after reaching home. I was clueless about what it contained and hence was naturally curious about it. Despite pestering him for long to reveal its contents, he kept stubbornly tight-lipped. I became really desperate to reach Delhi, and wanted the flight to land soon, which it was refusing to do. After a very long wait on my part, we finally reached Delhi, and I headed back home as soon as possible, after hurriedly wishing Veer a good day. Well, my actions were not under my control, surprises always make me go a bit cranky. Heaving a sigh of relief, I opened the package, to reveal a pair of beautiful earrings, accompanied by a letter. I could not accept such a costly gift, but before calling him to tell this, I decided to go through the letter first. In the letter, he had written that he quite understood the situation I was going through, for he was probably experiencing the same thing. He realized that I would never be able to say in words, if I decided to accept him as my life partner. So he wanted me to wear the earrings if I was to say yes and in case of a no, the earrings could always be returned to him. As I have already written before, Veer could understand my unsaid emotions, so he must have promptly guessed that the thought to returning the earrings would be my first reaction, and also that this letter of his, would be making me feel very overwhelmed. So in order to put me at ease, he had further written that it would be good for me if I stopped considering his willingness to marry me as some form of social service, for he was way too selfish, to let his love go. Veer sure knew how to lighten a situation for me, and obliging to his wish, the earrings were securely kept in the safe. Now when I look back, I feel that it must have been all the more difficult for Veer, since the girl he loved, was in love with none other than his best friend.

I began spending as much time as possible with Veer. I knew that if I married him, I would never have any problems. He would always keep me happy, accepting each of my wishes as his command. But still, I just wanted to make sure if I was worthy of his affections. Finally, by Veer’s birthday I’d come to a conclusion. It is said that a girl should always marry a person who loves her, instead of the person she loves. I decided to become a part of Veer’s life, and so the earrings he had gifted adorned me for the first time. Although he tried to suppress, I did not miss the glint of immense joy and happiness in his eyes. His eyes were crystal clear like always, depicting every emotion he was going through. The phrase ‘Eyes are the window to the soul’, suits him the best. He really possesses the most expressive eyes, I’ve ever come across. I told him that I’d try my best to a good wife to him, but I could possibly never give him the love which he desired and deserved. To this, he replied that all he needed was my companionship as his love would suffice for both of us. I was obviously glad to have him in my life. We married after a couple of months of courtship. He was the most loving husband in the world and invariably the most caring father to our children, Asmi and Ayaan. There could never be a dull moment with Veer around. I still remember how glad he was when our first child, Asmi, was born. I can vividly recall how Arnav teased him when he showed symptoms of hysterical pregnancy. Veer has always been by my side in each phase of my life, be it ups or downs, like a silent support. He is my better half in the true sense.

Over the years, my feelings for him drastically changed. From being just a friend and companion, he slowly became the elixir of life for me. Yet, I could never tell Veer what I felt for him. I could not put forth my feelings, into words. But then, I am sure that he heard those unspoken terms, for I could sense that he was more open to me, and would converse with me very freely. His ability of understanding me better than myself, never failed to take me by surprise. He was truly the best thing that could have happen to me. Today, I cannot imagine my life turning out in some other way. I won’t say that I never loved Arnav or he was just a passing stage and a mere infatuation, for I know that it is not true. The love is still alive in some corner of my heart, but the feeling attached to it, have altered eventually. He is just a friend, because Veer has made his own special place. He never tried to replace Arnav, and may be this was the reason I fell for him hopelessly, madly and deeply, against all my wishes. The love I felt for Arnav looks very small, if compared to the feelings I cherish for Veer. It is respect, admiration, adoration, all in one.

Here I am, standing at the gates of the institute where it all started, returning after wishing luck to Asmi, who has just entered the premises. And for the first time, in 18 years of our marriage, I voice out my feelings. I tell him “You are the most special person in my life. I don’t know how I would have done without you. I never cognized when you became the epicenter of my thoughts. My world started revolving around you, beginning from you and ending on you. All I know is that I love you, I really do. I just can’t lose you.” And he holds my hands ever so gently, as if they were the most precious things in the universe, and wipes off the teardrops from the corner of my eyes, which are threatening to fall down by the passing of every second. His eyes conveying the silent promise of standing beside me, like he did all these years. My confession made his eyes brim with emotions, which he unsuccessfully tried to hide. And we walked back, hand in hand, for a new phase in life was just about to begin.