Temper Tantrums….

It had always been a habit…since the very childhood. My parents, grandparents and almost all near and valued ones had warned that it would cost me dearly some day. In some corner of my heart I too realized that they were right in this presumption, but despite the knowledge I took their warning pretty lightly. To be clear as to what I am talking about, I am referring to this uncontrollable urge to shout on people when angry and saying hurtful things which have the capability to pierce the other person’s heart a bit too much. As far as I perceive it, almost everyone feels this sense of vengeance when in a foul mood; but then their anger subsides once they find a let out. For me, on the other hand, let out is only the beginning for building up rage, increasing my fury manifolds with each word I utter during that phase. To top it I tend to channelize anger on one person onto another and so forth.

To be honest, reading this description of my anger, I come across as some twisted personality to myself, with what can perhaps be best termed as unaddressed mental health issues as a child. And no I’m not as convoluted as I’ve been made to sound by my own pen. When not poked and pinged in all the wrong ways, I’m completely harmless and pretty friendly and good humored too, I guess (not being biased towards myself). But again it is not altogether justified to expect to find me welcoming and ultra-pleasant when one has worked so very hard on pissing me off, a mad fit of rage must be anticipated and true to my words, that is what meets people in those circumstances. The one difficulty as I’ve already said being that this disgruntled side of me leans more towards Ares (the violent, untamed God of War from the Greek mythology) than towards Athena (his second in-command, who leans more on strategy and presence of mind). Instead of getting angry on the cause for my temper, my annoyance has a volcanic outburst, ready to burn anything and everything crossing my way.

I’m not trying to justify myself or anything, because well, shouting on someone without any fault from the person’s side can in no universe be justified. I’m just trying to introspect at the cause of my not so appreciable behavior. Of course, this sudden need for introspection stems from the same warning of my family and friends that my antagonism would cost me dearly and it truly did. However much I want to alter the situation, I find myself helpless and vulnerable. And it did dawn upon me that no amount of ‘sorry’s’ and ‘it won’t happen again’ can rebuild the situation and make the whole thing disappear as if the conversation never happened. For me, forgetting conversations comes easy……the rapidity with which I get angry, I forgive and forget with the same promptness too….but that just is not the case with everyone (something which I find out rightly exasperating and unintelligent).

But despite all my musings and self-realizations, one thing I know for sure is that this habit of mine is not going to change. Put in similar situation again, my reaction would not be much different from what it has been throughout. And hence, I would take the lazy person’s way of making a sense of chaos (Douglas Coupland) and would go on to blame someone for this fault of mine (an asset that comes easy to every Indian simply by the virtue of being one; we love to play the blame game). This would reduce the guilt, make me feel better and make no one else feel worse; a complete win-win. And best of all the process wouldn’t be time consuming, considering what Eisenhower once remarked “The search for a scapegoat is the easiest of all hunting expeditions.”

Random Musings….

C.S. Lewis once remarked “Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: "What! You too? I thought I was the only one”; and this is what probably happened for us. I was new to college, still trying to adjust to hostel life; never having lived without my parents before, and you obviously were new too, technically newer than me. I had been allotted a roommate, and yours was to go away to another college. I would be thankful to her throughout for having introduced us and despite being on the verge of sounding selfish, I am most happy about how the things turned out. I had suggested you a new roomie, something which you should be glad about; although you got me as a free gift along with her (an added incentive in my opinion and kind of a drawback in yours, owing to my habit of messing up the room each time you go on a cleaning spree).

There are people whom you know at the first instance that things would click between the two of you. For me, it was the same in our case. We had the same interest in television and movies, our fondness for sleeping and eating, chit-chatting at any random topic without getting exhausted, giving high-fives, jinxing, and so many other small and big things which bind us together, in spite of the various disagreements we have almost all through the day. There are innumerable things that I can write about you but firstly, words elude me and secondly, it would make you go all high and mighty (jyada tareef nahi karni chahie ek din me).

And before you are charged up and begin to consider yourself my sole karta-dharta out here, I would like to mention that I am no less fond of my other room-mate too, who I successfully managed to oust from being your official roomie (quite proud of this achievement as both of you ganged up too much to kick me out from your room earlier). But nothing would deny that without having met the two of you I would definitely have found myself lost here, a place which now seems to be home away from home.

I have heard people speak wistfully of their school friends, but have never really been able to relate to the nostalgic feeling that automatically creeps up in their voice while reminiscing these past memories. Not having had any permanent friends all my life; friendship for me was a transitory affair. This could have had two causes, one being moving from one city to another and from one school to another all my life, and the other being my laziness in maintaining relationships. Laziness most likely stemming from the knowledge that I would in all probability never be meeting those people again in this lifetime. What I am sure about though is that when these 5 years get over my lethargy wouldn’t get in the way of being in touch of you. I would end by quoting A.A Milne and the very beloved Winnie the Pooh “We'll be Friends Forever, won't we, Pooh?' asked Piglet. Even longer,' Pooh answered.” Same I hope would be true for us too.