And they lived happily ever after, without each other.......

In movies we have often seen love stories having fairy-tale endings, the hero getting the heroine, overcoming all obstacles and living happily ever after. Not that movies not ending on a high note are not made (they sure are, and in a significant number), but even with those films, at the very least there is a satisfaction, that the lead protagonists had at some point experienced mutual love, had had their love reciprocated with the same intensity and the same ferventness with which it was given. Many of these stories stay with us after leaving the cinema hall and come back to haunt (good haunting this one) our memories even when they are long gone.

What lay forgotten are those stories which play out in our real lives, and not the reel ones, stories where although we do love, and love dearly; but the adoration, the ardent admiration is never returned, never reciprocated, stories with not even a far-fetched possibility of a happy ending. Now, when I talk of love, I am taking the prerogative of applying some uncommonly found common sense and not counting impossible scenarios, like being deeply in love with a film-star or something, because although your stars might shine upon you, making this dream turn into reality; more often than not this is definitely not the case.

Love has universally been acknowledged as a beautiful sensation, and those who have experienced true love are considered blessed. Girls have been known to have reposed their faith in the ‘he loves me’ ‘he loves me not’ game, how so ever irrational the act seems to a bystander (or even to them at times), in the hope of finding solace in destiny, in signs and symbols; holding on to the very last shreds of optimism they can lay their hands upon. What guys do in such state of affairs is something I am not very sure about, and despite all claims of their single track mind, there is no denying that they too possess a soft heart, capable of showering boundless love and affection.

You never know when you stumble upon this divine feeling. One day you do not know that person, and the next thing you realize you might be heads over heels in love. Or maybe you have known someone for ages; you had been friends for too long, prior to learning that there was a deeper attachment involved, that this is the person you want to share the rest of your life with. Some of these tales end beautifully while in some less fortunate circumstances, even before you can comprehend that you are in love, fate plays the villain, separating you before the love has got a chance to blossom.

At times you are not able to convey your feelings to the other person, thinking “yaar itni bhi kya jaldi hai”, being afraid of being snubbed; at other times you actually face the dreaded rejection; or at yet other times (worst case scenarios) the person you have fallen for is already committed, in love with someone else. Various reactions ensue from the aforementioned situations; some are able to deal with it and move on, some get stuck to loving that very person (with or without any hope of ever getting him, the selfless love), while others who are the extremely sensitive (read weak..not that being sensitive is being weak…but that the step taken by them classifies these people as weaklings) kind take the easy way out and decide to end their lives not caring an ounce about all the others who are concerned for them.

The first and the third situation (one being welcome and the other frowned upon) are comparatively better than the second one. What can be more problematic and hurtful than dealing with the fear of rejection or actually seeing your loved one with somebody else? This would be harder for those who had come really close to winning the affections of their guy/girl and one tiny mistake might have cost everything. There are people who deal with the same day in and day out; and manage to live through it without complaining. Their chronicles are never documented, never are they given due acknowledgement, never credited for their patience, tenderness and the will to smile despite the constant pain in their hearts.

Stephen Chbosky wrote in The Perks of Being a Wallflower "So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be." And this is how their life is, happy yet sad, contented yet a longing for a little more…and above everything the desire to survive, to not let their emotions take control of the better part of their minds. Perhaps, these love stories end the same way as ended a novel I had been recently reading… “And they lived happily ever after, without each other”. Or do they really?!

And Yet I’d say………..Happy Diwali…..!!!

As it happens each year, this time around too people would be wishing each other a happy diwali, wanting every one of us to have a pleasant and prosperous life, praying to Goddess Lakshmi and Lord Ganesh to bestow their divine blessing upon all their friends and acquaintances, yearning that each one of us gets what s/he desires for and so on and so forth.

And like every other time, I’d be watching on at the ongoing hullabaloo in a detached manner, being not really interested in either the crackers or the prayers. Or perhaps, being a little morose this time, I’d be much more isolated from the festivities, not indulging in the only aspect of this auspicious day which I find enchanting- lighting the lamps and watching their flame shimmering and dancing away into the night. Or on another note, I might just force myself to get engrossed in the merry-making more than ever- so as to forget my melancholy and that un-nerving sense of loneliness. The second option seeming much more inviting and agreeable- to myself and to those in my vicinity.

Deepawali or simply Diwali is believed to be the festival of lights marking the victory of good or evil; making one aware of the knowledge contained within his inner self; thus dispelling all ignorance of being, a person usually suffers from. There is no need for me to delve into the details of how Diwali is celebrated or what significance it holds for the Hindus, as each of us I hope is well aware of all factual information associated with the festival; and also it is not in the least my intention to write an essay on the topic (this being a futile affair, going by the aforementioned logic).

Anyways, yet again I’m indulging in my habit of straying away from the main point and stepping onto unnecessary side-tracks. My concern solely lay with Diwali’s innate nature of driving out the misery one is facing and bringing joy to him/ her; something I am fervently hoping it would do for me. If nothing else, today I can test the truth in this faith; and at the risk of contradicting myself, I’m sure I would lose this bet, as it would brighten my day with mirth and delight, since at the very least I would be seeing happiness on the face of my loved ones…..which without a doubt is more than enough for any one. A welcome loss, to be honest!

And hence, possibly for my own contentment, shedding my various apprehensions aside (most of which are illogical beyond imagination), I, like all others, wish everyone a very happy and joyous Deepawali. Ending with Atal Bihari Vajpayee’s poem, which describes my feelings almost accurately:-
“Bhari Dupahri Me Andhiyara,
Suraj Parchayi se Haara,
Antartam ka Neh Nichode,
Bujhi Hui Baati Sulgaye,
Aao Phir se Dia Jalaye”

Temper Tantrums….

It had always been a habit…since the very childhood. My parents, grandparents and almost all near and valued ones had warned that it would cost me dearly some day. In some corner of my heart I too realized that they were right in this presumption, but despite the knowledge I took their warning pretty lightly. To be clear as to what I am talking about, I am referring to this uncontrollable urge to shout on people when angry and saying hurtful things which have the capability to pierce the other person’s heart a bit too much. As far as I perceive it, almost everyone feels this sense of vengeance when in a foul mood; but then their anger subsides once they find a let out. For me, on the other hand, let out is only the beginning for building up rage, increasing my fury manifolds with each word I utter during that phase. To top it I tend to channelize anger on one person onto another and so forth.

To be honest, reading this description of my anger, I come across as some twisted personality to myself, with what can perhaps be best termed as unaddressed mental health issues as a child. And no I’m not as convoluted as I’ve been made to sound by my own pen. When not poked and pinged in all the wrong ways, I’m completely harmless and pretty friendly and good humored too, I guess (not being biased towards myself). But again it is not altogether justified to expect to find me welcoming and ultra-pleasant when one has worked so very hard on pissing me off, a mad fit of rage must be anticipated and true to my words, that is what meets people in those circumstances. The one difficulty as I’ve already said being that this disgruntled side of me leans more towards Ares (the violent, untamed God of War from the Greek mythology) than towards Athena (his second in-command, who leans more on strategy and presence of mind). Instead of getting angry on the cause for my temper, my annoyance has a volcanic outburst, ready to burn anything and everything crossing my way.

I’m not trying to justify myself or anything, because well, shouting on someone without any fault from the person’s side can in no universe be justified. I’m just trying to introspect at the cause of my not so appreciable behavior. Of course, this sudden need for introspection stems from the same warning of my family and friends that my antagonism would cost me dearly and it truly did. However much I want to alter the situation, I find myself helpless and vulnerable. And it did dawn upon me that no amount of ‘sorry’s’ and ‘it won’t happen again’ can rebuild the situation and make the whole thing disappear as if the conversation never happened. For me, forgetting conversations comes easy……the rapidity with which I get angry, I forgive and forget with the same promptness too….but that just is not the case with everyone (something which I find out rightly exasperating and unintelligent).

But despite all my musings and self-realizations, one thing I know for sure is that this habit of mine is not going to change. Put in similar situation again, my reaction would not be much different from what it has been throughout. And hence, I would take the lazy person’s way of making a sense of chaos (Douglas Coupland) and would go on to blame someone for this fault of mine (an asset that comes easy to every Indian simply by the virtue of being one; we love to play the blame game). This would reduce the guilt, make me feel better and make no one else feel worse; a complete win-win. And best of all the process wouldn’t be time consuming, considering what Eisenhower once remarked “The search for a scapegoat is the easiest of all hunting expeditions.”