It had always been a habit…since the very childhood. My parents, grandparents and almost all near and valued ones had warned that it would cost me dearly some day. In some corner of my heart I too realized that they were right in this presumption, but despite the knowledge I took their warning pretty lightly. To be clear as to what I am talking about, I am referring to this uncontrollable urge to shout on people when angry and saying hurtful things which have the capability to pierce the other person’s heart a bit too much. As far as I perceive it, almost everyone feels this sense of vengeance when in a foul mood; but then their anger subsides once they find a let out. For me, on the other hand, let out is only the beginning for building up rage, increasing my fury manifolds with each word I utter during that phase. To top it I tend to channelize anger on one person onto another and so forth.
To be honest, reading this description of my anger, I come across as some twisted personality to myself, with what can perhaps be best termed as unaddressed mental health issues as a child. And no I’m not as convoluted as I’ve been made to sound by my own pen. When not poked and pinged in all the wrong ways, I’m completely harmless and pretty friendly and good humored too, I guess (not being biased towards myself). But again it is not altogether justified to expect to find me welcoming and ultra-pleasant when one has worked so very hard on pissing me off, a mad fit of rage must be anticipated and true to my words, that is what meets people in those circumstances. The one difficulty as I’ve already said being that this disgruntled side of me leans more towards Ares (the violent, untamed God of War from the Greek mythology) than towards Athena (his second in-command, who leans more on strategy and presence of mind). Instead of getting angry on the cause for my temper, my annoyance has a volcanic outburst, ready to burn anything and everything crossing my way.
I’m not trying to justify myself or anything, because well, shouting on someone without any fault from the person’s side can in no universe be justified. I’m just trying to introspect at the cause of my not so appreciable behavior. Of course, this sudden need for introspection stems from the same warning of my family and friends that my antagonism would cost me dearly and it truly did. However much I want to alter the situation, I find myself helpless and vulnerable. And it did dawn upon me that no amount of ‘sorry’s’ and ‘it won’t happen again’ can rebuild the situation and make the whole thing disappear as if the conversation never happened. For me, forgetting conversations comes easy……the rapidity with which I get angry, I forgive and forget with the same promptness too….but that just is not the case with everyone (something which I find out rightly exasperating and unintelligent).
But despite all my musings and self-realizations, one thing I know for sure is that this habit of mine is not going to change. Put in similar situation again, my reaction would not be much different from what it has been throughout. And hence, I would take the lazy person’s way of making a sense of chaos (Douglas Coupland) and would go on to blame someone for this fault of mine (an asset that comes easy to every Indian simply by the virtue of being one; we love to play the blame game). This would reduce the guilt, make me feel better and make no one else feel worse; a complete win-win. And best of all the process wouldn’t be time consuming, considering what Eisenhower once remarked “The search for a scapegoat is the easiest of all hunting expeditions.”
To be honest, reading this description of my anger, I come across as some twisted personality to myself, with what can perhaps be best termed as unaddressed mental health issues as a child. And no I’m not as convoluted as I’ve been made to sound by my own pen. When not poked and pinged in all the wrong ways, I’m completely harmless and pretty friendly and good humored too, I guess (not being biased towards myself). But again it is not altogether justified to expect to find me welcoming and ultra-pleasant when one has worked so very hard on pissing me off, a mad fit of rage must be anticipated and true to my words, that is what meets people in those circumstances. The one difficulty as I’ve already said being that this disgruntled side of me leans more towards Ares (the violent, untamed God of War from the Greek mythology) than towards Athena (his second in-command, who leans more on strategy and presence of mind). Instead of getting angry on the cause for my temper, my annoyance has a volcanic outburst, ready to burn anything and everything crossing my way.
I’m not trying to justify myself or anything, because well, shouting on someone without any fault from the person’s side can in no universe be justified. I’m just trying to introspect at the cause of my not so appreciable behavior. Of course, this sudden need for introspection stems from the same warning of my family and friends that my antagonism would cost me dearly and it truly did. However much I want to alter the situation, I find myself helpless and vulnerable. And it did dawn upon me that no amount of ‘sorry’s’ and ‘it won’t happen again’ can rebuild the situation and make the whole thing disappear as if the conversation never happened. For me, forgetting conversations comes easy……the rapidity with which I get angry, I forgive and forget with the same promptness too….but that just is not the case with everyone (something which I find out rightly exasperating and unintelligent).
But despite all my musings and self-realizations, one thing I know for sure is that this habit of mine is not going to change. Put in similar situation again, my reaction would not be much different from what it has been throughout. And hence, I would take the lazy person’s way of making a sense of chaos (Douglas Coupland) and would go on to blame someone for this fault of mine (an asset that comes easy to every Indian simply by the virtue of being one; we love to play the blame game). This would reduce the guilt, make me feel better and make no one else feel worse; a complete win-win. And best of all the process wouldn’t be time consuming, considering what Eisenhower once remarked “The search for a scapegoat is the easiest of all hunting expeditions.”
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